Well after I wrote a blog entry WTF why is this still happening I haven't gotten really anything in the way of acknowledgment. I suppose it really doesn't matter.
Ive been surfing allot this week and yea my emotions are raw, all this talk of bullies, teen suicide, and desperate isolation has brought a ton of memories to the surface. One in particular that I'm sure my mother would really get her knickers in a bind over was the very last time I set foot in the church I grew up in, the Broadway Church of Christ in Tempe Arizona. Do you know the one? Next door to the Dunkin Doughnuts... The one mom used to bribe my lil brother and me into going to church with her... LOL I digress, I should save that little story for later.
I was 16, driving the Truck that I mentioned in my last entry. I was feeling like a hot-shot. 16yrs old, mobile, and going to church by myself. It was after service, and I was going out to the truck and go home. Two of the other high school kids, one was the son of a Deacon (figures, right?) he and his buddy had a portable degausser... its a device used in Electronics maintenance. They were "shooting" each other with it and having a great time. Not a painful thing, just a sting... I had never seen one but I knew that I didnt trust them and told them not to shoot me with it. Falling back to my normal way of being... easy prey... they came after me with it chasing me to the truck. I panicked, yea maybe I over reacted but NO means NO damnit!
I didn't trust anyone let alone these two jug-heads, so I believe my reactions were justified.
So now when someone innocently tells me to have a "blessed day" or say they will pray for me... I consciously force myself to remember, (even in their ignorance) there are people that truly wish you happiness in your life. I swallow my contempt (a little pride I think) and give a little smile and say thank you. The one truth I have learned about myself is this. Even though it has faded and I'm not the easy prey I used to be, the scared and untrusting mobile 16yr old kid is still on the lookout for those bullies bent on chasing me with a degausser or a BB gun.
If you know me, I guess it kinda explains allot...
Ive been surfing allot this week and yea my emotions are raw, all this talk of bullies, teen suicide, and desperate isolation has brought a ton of memories to the surface. One in particular that I'm sure my mother would really get her knickers in a bind over was the very last time I set foot in the church I grew up in, the Broadway Church of Christ in Tempe Arizona. Do you know the one? Next door to the Dunkin Doughnuts... The one mom used to bribe my lil brother and me into going to church with her... LOL I digress, I should save that little story for later.
I was 16, driving the Truck that I mentioned in my last entry. I was feeling like a hot-shot. 16yrs old, mobile, and going to church by myself. It was after service, and I was going out to the truck and go home. Two of the other high school kids, one was the son of a Deacon (figures, right?) he and his buddy had a portable degausser... its a device used in Electronics maintenance. They were "shooting" each other with it and having a great time. Not a painful thing, just a sting... I had never seen one but I knew that I didnt trust them and told them not to shoot me with it. Falling back to my normal way of being... easy prey... they came after me with it chasing me to the truck. I panicked, yea maybe I over reacted but NO means NO damnit!
I didn't trust anyone let alone these two jug-heads, so I believe my reactions were justified.
So now when someone innocently tells me to have a "blessed day" or say they will pray for me... I consciously force myself to remember, (even in their ignorance) there are people that truly wish you happiness in your life. I swallow my contempt (a little pride I think) and give a little smile and say thank you. The one truth I have learned about myself is this. Even though it has faded and I'm not the easy prey I used to be, the scared and untrusting mobile 16yr old kid is still on the lookout for those bullies bent on chasing me with a degausser or a BB gun.
If you know me, I guess it kinda explains allot...
i know what u mean by the bullies. been there too the kids in middle school would yell "queer joey" out loud in crowds some would take turns cornering me and holding me while i took slaps and kicks i never fought back cuz i thought it would get worse some school teachers knew what was going on and they would comment to me that it would be better if i wasnt such a girl. that just hurt altogether more. i had a horrible childhood coming home with bruises day after day hating the thought of having to school keeping it all to myself. i dont know how i made it through "THE THOUGHT" was there, but all i could think of was the pain that my mommy and grandma would go through so i stopped myself.
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