I just finished reading "Our Time: Breaking the Silence of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" by Joshua Seefried. As I read this book, a collection of stories from active duty, reservists/guardsmen, and separated members I couldn't help but think how easy they had it. LOL That is a totally self-pitying response mind you. This is some of my story.
I joined the USAF at the fairly tender age of 20, in fact 6 days after my birthday in 1982. It was an exciting and terrifying adventure I had chosen for myself.
I had lost my hetero-virginity only a year prior to a pretty cool girl named Kelly... she was a graphic artist I met from another school. But I knew I was gay and had lost my virginity for real at 14. Although when they asked me that question at the induction center about homosexual conduct I was like WTF?? No Way I'm straight! (none of my hecklers there to argue the statement.)
I am a geek... always have been a geek... I was bullied and taunted as the class "faggot" long before I knew what it was. All the proof any of my tormentors had was all circumstantial and perceived like of almost all harassment. So believe me when I say that I had no intention of taking the risk of giving anyone hard proof. That being said I was mortally afraid of the boy's locker room.
I NEVER showered with my peers, I always arranged my PE class to precede lunch or follow the last class of the day.
Now return to July 1982... The fist day of basic was and still is a blur... the high points are: you are issued uniforms, underwear, boots, bedding, lockers, and have your first haircut. that evening you are so exhausted from a mix of fear and little time to rest. Don't forget you are being yelled at the whole time being told that we were worth less than Whale shit.
My first shower with my peers I was sweating brass-bullets. Thank god the stress of being there kept your head on your shoulders and out of the gutter. Thus my fears were baseless and unwarranted.
At some level I knew that I would mess up and get booted at some point, and it frequently worried me. I learned the hard lessons in school how to keep my distance and not to share myself so it was second nature to me to do the same while in the USAF. I hated it really but I didn't know how to change it. I managed to meet a precious few gay people and observed a few from afar (Like that really little boyish girl with the big unruly hair in the Fuel Cell shop), however nothing ever grew from it. I was a young man full of fear and it has colored most of my life. I hadn't really known happiness, only misery and loneliness with short periods of something approaching happy... never lasting long.
Three years into my enlistment I got married to a very pretty but random woman and it lasted 4 years. Did I love her? No, how could I? she was just my smoke-screen, she was convenient, and also the mother of my little boy... I loved my son with all my being. On the day he was born...That was absolutely-with-no-doubt-what-so-ever the happiest day in my life. The moments following his birth as I carried him thru the halls of the hospital to the nursery... Nothing mattered... no thought on my mind other than him... no one else existed... all the universe was perfect and in harmony.
I maintained the duality successfully until my last year, 1989 following my ex-wife leaving me and taking my son back to the USA.. I became indiscreet and reckless. That year there was a voluntary reduction of troops and with some drama going on at home I tendered my resignation. I submitted it to the base commander at lunch time Wednesday and by lunch time Thursday it was approved and asked me when I wanted to go home. I had a gay acquaintance in the SP squadron who later told me that my file had been on the investigation desk at OSI. So.. I scammed out of that mess by the skin of my teeth.
I was officially a civilian 31 January 1990.
It has been 22 years (I had to count on my fingers... damn has it been that long??) Do I miss it? HELL YES! the camaraderie is unsurpassed in the civilian world... civilians will never, can never know the depth of that concept. Even though I was living a self imposed socially baffled dual life I did meet a ton of great people... there were many great times and I could go on and on telling stories, but I will spare you... To this day when I hear the drone of a C-130 flying overhead... SCHAWING!!! all those memories flood back. Good, bad, triumphant, embarrassing, but most of all is the immense Pride I felt. I am very humbled by all the brave men and women serving past and present.
Some of the greatest battles are fought within your very soul. "fighting the good fight" actually does pay off... Never give up, never surrender!
I joined the USAF at the fairly tender age of 20, in fact 6 days after my birthday in 1982. It was an exciting and terrifying adventure I had chosen for myself.
I had lost my hetero-virginity only a year prior to a pretty cool girl named Kelly... she was a graphic artist I met from another school. But I knew I was gay and had lost my virginity for real at 14. Although when they asked me that question at the induction center about homosexual conduct I was like WTF?? No Way I'm straight! (none of my hecklers there to argue the statement.)
I am a geek... always have been a geek... I was bullied and taunted as the class "faggot" long before I knew what it was. All the proof any of my tormentors had was all circumstantial and perceived like of almost all harassment. So believe me when I say that I had no intention of taking the risk of giving anyone hard proof. That being said I was mortally afraid of the boy's locker room.
I NEVER showered with my peers, I always arranged my PE class to precede lunch or follow the last class of the day.
Now return to July 1982... The fist day of basic was and still is a blur... the high points are: you are issued uniforms, underwear, boots, bedding, lockers, and have your first haircut. that evening you are so exhausted from a mix of fear and little time to rest. Don't forget you are being yelled at the whole time being told that we were worth less than Whale shit.
My first shower with my peers I was sweating brass-bullets. Thank god the stress of being there kept your head on your shoulders and out of the gutter. Thus my fears were baseless and unwarranted.
At some level I knew that I would mess up and get booted at some point, and it frequently worried me. I learned the hard lessons in school how to keep my distance and not to share myself so it was second nature to me to do the same while in the USAF. I hated it really but I didn't know how to change it. I managed to meet a precious few gay people and observed a few from afar (Like that really little boyish girl with the big unruly hair in the Fuel Cell shop), however nothing ever grew from it. I was a young man full of fear and it has colored most of my life. I hadn't really known happiness, only misery and loneliness with short periods of something approaching happy... never lasting long.
Three years into my enlistment I got married to a very pretty but random woman and it lasted 4 years. Did I love her? No, how could I? she was just my smoke-screen, she was convenient, and also the mother of my little boy... I loved my son with all my being. On the day he was born...That was absolutely-with-no-doubt-what-so-ever the happiest day in my life. The moments following his birth as I carried him thru the halls of the hospital to the nursery... Nothing mattered... no thought on my mind other than him... no one else existed... all the universe was perfect and in harmony.
I maintained the duality successfully until my last year, 1989 following my ex-wife leaving me and taking my son back to the USA.. I became indiscreet and reckless. That year there was a voluntary reduction of troops and with some drama going on at home I tendered my resignation. I submitted it to the base commander at lunch time Wednesday and by lunch time Thursday it was approved and asked me when I wanted to go home. I had a gay acquaintance in the SP squadron who later told me that my file had been on the investigation desk at OSI. So.. I scammed out of that mess by the skin of my teeth.
I was officially a civilian 31 January 1990.
It has been 22 years (I had to count on my fingers... damn has it been that long??) Do I miss it? HELL YES! the camaraderie is unsurpassed in the civilian world... civilians will never, can never know the depth of that concept. Even though I was living a self imposed socially baffled dual life I did meet a ton of great people... there were many great times and I could go on and on telling stories, but I will spare you... To this day when I hear the drone of a C-130 flying overhead... SCHAWING!!! all those memories flood back. Good, bad, triumphant, embarrassing, but most of all is the immense Pride I felt. I am very humbled by all the brave men and women serving past and present.
Some of the greatest battles are fought within your very soul. "fighting the good fight" actually does pay off... Never give up, never surrender!
Very interesting. Your soul pours out as being affected by DADT. But, I can always see you as a vibrant kid, honey. I think that that was your personal fire, your flame to make you a stronger person. It's hard, at the time, but it all becomes worth it. All my trials are worth it, since everything in my life lead me to you.
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