Well its spring in Texas again. I was doing some cleaning on my Facebook page and came across a post I made in February last year and it made me think. The post is titled Memories and Scars, it says a lot about how I grew up and how I related to things that most people wouldn't even notice. In the last year I was in a relationship with someone half my age, NO I didn't intentionally go after that it just kinda happened.
I was happy for a time even when there were things about his character which had roots in areas that I mistrust and have nothing but contempt for. One thing that I began to realize, with his help, was my real mistrust of people, straight people to be precise, and confirmation of the contempt I have for the church... ANY church.
Since I was always bullied and considered less-than by my own father, this wasn't a huge realization, it was more like "Ahhhh thats why..." Another thing to come of my association in the relationship, he was the first to interact with me at work where his relationship to me was known. It was a relief to be able to not hide at work, and it also allowed me to begin trusting people with a part of me that I had never shared. It was really scary at first, not to say it still isn't, but it's not a debilitating fear any more.
The trust issue I have runs pretty deep. Imagine a confused child hearing eternal damnation at church, being an outcast in school, and being verbally assaulted by the one person, my father, who I should have been able to bring any problem to.
I'm not sure how to describe my father. From my point of view he was mean and had a wide streak of anger. When my brother and I got into trouble, he was usually pissed off and the resulting beating with his belt only stopped until after he felt better. (and that was for normal infractions, not being a deviant). I couldn't talk to my mother, she was the link to the church and I already knew what they thought. As an obvious result I became a loner... rarely if ever sharing myself and making up the deficit with shallow interactions and pursuits.
Being a loner isn't bad by my definition, its just lonely and you miss out on life happening around you. I'm working on getting over the mistrust of straight people... one person at a time. The church thing? not so much. I have no issue with what people believe, that is a personal thing unique to each and every one of us. I do have issue with the church judging me, telling me that I can not be a member in their club of married people, or can not be a scout because I am different from them, or whatever other club that I can't join. It really doesn't matter, what matters is that they shun their gay children they do not care to embrace them. I want to scream! How can you be so steadfast in your belief of the church that you can do what the bible expressly tells you not to do? I think these people need to clean up their yard first and stop worrying about whats in mine. Hypocrites have no credibility, and the most ironic thing about the church is they don't and won't see it.
So there is, I believe I have found the source of my deep seated mistrust of people, contempt of the church, and my propensity to be a loner.
What this all boils down to is the realization of what is really going on in me, once I've identified it and I can now begin to resolve those issues. Yes, I am a broken and damaged man but I'm working on it. Now, hand me the super-glue!
I was happy for a time even when there were things about his character which had roots in areas that I mistrust and have nothing but contempt for. One thing that I began to realize, with his help, was my real mistrust of people, straight people to be precise, and confirmation of the contempt I have for the church... ANY church.
Since I was always bullied and considered less-than by my own father, this wasn't a huge realization, it was more like "Ahhhh thats why..." Another thing to come of my association in the relationship, he was the first to interact with me at work where his relationship to me was known. It was a relief to be able to not hide at work, and it also allowed me to begin trusting people with a part of me that I had never shared. It was really scary at first, not to say it still isn't, but it's not a debilitating fear any more.
The trust issue I have runs pretty deep. Imagine a confused child hearing eternal damnation at church, being an outcast in school, and being verbally assaulted by the one person, my father, who I should have been able to bring any problem to.
I'm not sure how to describe my father. From my point of view he was mean and had a wide streak of anger. When my brother and I got into trouble, he was usually pissed off and the resulting beating with his belt only stopped until after he felt better. (and that was for normal infractions, not being a deviant). I couldn't talk to my mother, she was the link to the church and I already knew what they thought. As an obvious result I became a loner... rarely if ever sharing myself and making up the deficit with shallow interactions and pursuits.
Being a loner isn't bad by my definition, its just lonely and you miss out on life happening around you. I'm working on getting over the mistrust of straight people... one person at a time. The church thing? not so much. I have no issue with what people believe, that is a personal thing unique to each and every one of us. I do have issue with the church judging me, telling me that I can not be a member in their club of married people, or can not be a scout because I am different from them, or whatever other club that I can't join. It really doesn't matter, what matters is that they shun their gay children they do not care to embrace them. I want to scream! How can you be so steadfast in your belief of the church that you can do what the bible expressly tells you not to do? I think these people need to clean up their yard first and stop worrying about whats in mine. Hypocrites have no credibility, and the most ironic thing about the church is they don't and won't see it.
So there is, I believe I have found the source of my deep seated mistrust of people, contempt of the church, and my propensity to be a loner.
What this all boils down to is the realization of what is really going on in me, once I've identified it and I can now begin to resolve those issues. Yes, I am a broken and damaged man but I'm working on it. Now, hand me the super-glue!
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